my thoughts

you should envy me because…
i have everything that a person will die for

..i have a very funny and cool husband who i’m so decided to spend the rest of my life with. we’ve been together for almost 10 years and we still enjoy each others company. the trials that we’ve had before were all part of the phases but the good thing is we’ve passed that stage holding on to each other.

..we have our 3 little angels whose been giving us so much joy and they’re the reason why it’s easy for us to face challenges and work hard everyday.i adore my family so much…my husband and my three beautiful kids…and i just can’t imagine life without them.

..i have very supportive parents and they love me so unconditionally.

..i have a big brother whose been a very good tour guide to the journey of my life.

..i have my best friend who’s never left my side. though we seldom see each other but we will be best buds until forever. she’s the sister that i never had. and all the people around us will leave us but we’ll stick with each other.

..i have great friends. they’re not many but they’re the people whom i will not trade for anything. we have our own differences but we know how to compromise. and my friends don’t have big issues  with their lives (wala kase akong pasosyal na kaibigan) because we know how to  live our life to the fullest. we know how to say yes and no ( and n/a).

..and lastly, i have an almighty father  who gives me daily bread, who listens to my problems without questions and  who taps me at the back when i’m going the wrong way.

these are the reasons why i live each day with a big smile. it’s not always a holiday, there will be some times when the world will go against you but life is what you make it. you should be optimistic and learn to believe that most of the people in the world are trustworthy and kind. don’t think of them as someone who will take advantage of you because that will make you take advantage of them. life is like a box of chocolates…you’ll never know what you’ll get but it’s up to you if you will eat all of them or you will share it with the person right beside you.

and you…why should i envy you?

Last saturday after shift, me and 4 of my batchmates from Wave 19b agreed to visit Erwin’s grave. He was also part of the team during our training days. He died last November. We didn’t have the chance to see him on his burial coz we didn’t know what happened. It was only last February that we’ve learned about his death.

Erwin was one of the few people I know who keeps everything in his head…he doesn’t express his self much. I remember walking with him every morning in Cubao after shift. I usually do the talking and he reacts once in a while..like, “talaga?!”…”ang galing ah!”…”ok!”…those were the words he use to say… i guess to let me know that he’s listening to what I’m saying. He’s such a good person. I mean, I’m not saying this because he’s already gone. I really can’t think of anything bad I can say about him. He doesn’t even know how to get mad.

Last Saturday, we had the chance to meet Erwin’s parents. They accompanied us to the place where Erwin was buried. And to be honest, I’ve expected his parents to be different from what we’ve seen that day. I thought before that Erwin came from a big family where everybody’s busy and don’t have time for each other…I thought maybe that’s the reason why he’s so tahimik. But that  day I’ve learned that Erwin came from an almost perfect family. They love him so much. He also looks like his father. The way they talk about him and his death, I know that they’re still hurting…I can feel how much they miss him. But it also made me feel good coz I know they’re happy to see us…to hear all of our stories about their boy…and to reminisce and tell us how proud they are for having Erwin as their son.

And then we came to the grave…nakita ko ang lapida….BOOM!…his name written on it. This is it! Totoo na to…he’s never coming back. We cried and  i told him  ” sorry ha after 5 months ngaun ka lng namen dinalaw, ndi naman kse namen alam”.

I’ve realized so many things that day…We should really live everyday as if it will be the last.I can’t put them all in writting but I know that Erwin had spent every single day of his life serving God. And siguro sabi ni God “You’ve done your job Son, so ipopromote na kita…dito ka na sa office ko magseserve”

We’ll miss him though.

—Angel of God, my guardian dear, to whom God’s love commits me here. Ever this day be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide. Amen.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

-Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

made a meal and threw it up on Sunday I’ve got a lot of things to learn said I would and I’ll be leaving one day before my heart starts to burn

so what’s the matter with you? sing me something new don’t you know the cold and wind and rain don’t know they only seem to come ang go away

times are hard when things have got no meaning I’ve found a key upon the floor maybe you and I will not believe in the things we find behind the door

stand by me nobody knows the way it’s gonna be!!!

if you’re leaving will you take me with you I’m tired of talking on my phone there is one thing I can never give you my heart will never be your home

5 days from now, my daughter will be graduating from kinder. and this is it…the real feeling of being a mother…proud and happy…

i’ll be seeing my little baby wear her toga…march down the aisle…sing the graduation song…get her diploma…we’ll be joining her in receiving her award and that would definitely  be one of the best moments of us being her parents.

this has been a really tough year for her, since she’s only 4 years old and instead of enrolling her in nursery..i enrolled her in kinder. it was a big adjustment for her. she didn’t even know how to write her full name when she started school last june and now she already knows how to read. i know this is a very hard work for her…i mean, the fact that i wasn’t their all the time to discuss with her the activities in their school. i can only give her one to two hours a day to help her in doing her homeworks because i still need to get ready for work. she exerted a lot of efforts this school year. she deserves this graduation.

cheyenne is a very smart kid…ok…she might be a little hard-headed (:like father like daughter) and that’s normal for kids her age, but she thinks like a big person. she asks a lot of questions and she listens when you explain it to her. and the next time you talk about it she’ll know what you exactly told her the first time.

i can tell you now that i’m the proudest mother ever..i am so glad that my daughter had grown up just the way that we want her to…i know this is just the start of a long journey for her but we will always be here to love and support her…and i wouldn’t let anything to stop her from achieving her dreams.

we love you ate…—dad, mom and chazy

just when u thought ur life is close to being perfect…just when u thought u have moved on…one day u’ll wake up seeing that person who made u live the way u do ryt now. then, u’ll realize that u’r still on the same world…u haven’t moved an inch…her shadow still lives inside of u.all efforts fade…all strength weakens…all pains emerge.u thought u have traveled miles from yesterday…but u woke up, still on the same part of the road.u never imagined resting will take this long…yes…u just took some rest…sleep…and dream of her..but u’r still here…she’s still there…inside ur life.u’ll never get over her unless u start that engine running and drive away from this horrible place…

MONDAY…technically first day of the week.normally people will wake up early to get ready for work.but me, i have to wake up early not because i need to go to the office but because Rjan will be leaving at 630am and Cheyenne needs to get ready for school.then i’ve gone to the grocery to look for something to buy.and now i’m stuck in front of my pc trying to search for something.i don’t have anything else to do.well, im suppose to get some sleep because my shift starts 11pm.but i can’t…i know i can’t.

summing up my life now…it’s COOL.i have a happy family…i have a good-paying job and i work with wonderful people…i ‘m financially stable…i have peace of mind…but it seems that i’m still missing some things… and i have 5 hours before taking a bath and getting ready for work to think of that part in my life…

i checked my inbox…one message received…from an old friend…from my closest friend…before?(there’s a question mark there)

that’s it! that’s what i’m missing…I MISS  MY CHILDHOOD!!!i miss my friends.i still have lots of them now but those are my newly-found friends…my officemates.but i miss the friends that i grew up with…those who knew the real me…those who have seen me in my worse…those whom i can spend the entire night w/ just talking about life, mistakes, stupidness and then we can laugh at them together.

i miss being a kid…i miss being fragile…i miss being innocent…i miss playing…i miss teasing…i miss homeworks…i miss the smell of my books…i miss exams…i miss cheating…i miss lunch breaks…i miss vacant periods…i miss curfews…i miss asking permissions…i miss rules…i miss breaking those rules…i miss being irresponsible….i miss ME…i miss US!!!!

things change…i am happy now because i’ve grown to be responsible…i know how to care about other people…i’ve seen my worth.

but looking back…i’ve realized that my childhood were the happiest times in my whole life and those people are my real friends…no one can ever replace them…we might be travelling different paths now…but i know i’ll be seeing them… at the crossroads…maybe not on mondays…but soon!!!

why do i have this feeling inside?
why do i have to keep it all and hide?
why do i have to wait for so long?
why do i have to be hurt all along?
why do i have to let her be the first?
why do i have to control my emotions to burst?
why do i have to be so kind to you?
why do i have to be so cruel too?
why do i have to be like this?
why do i have to keep my promise?

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. A well-known line  by Tom Hanks in the movie Forrest Gump, this quote shows a metaphor that can easily be applied to life. Life can be just as unpredictable as a box of chocolates. What lies beneath each decadent chocolate coating, as with each new day, is unpredictable.You’ll never know what the future will bring you. You’ll never know how long will you survive.You’ll never know when it’s time for you to go.Or the other  way around, like losing someone.We all know losing is part of life but you can never predict who, what or how many of them will you lose. You cannot control things from  happening.

Lots of people think that if you lose something, it will be lost forever. Nothing is ever really lost; the things you have or own will always be with you, maybe not physically but always in your memory. And when you lose things like a family member, a pet or friend, it is comforting to look at the good times. This is how I look back to the memories i had with a friend who’s permanently gone now. Our good times together will stay…the laughters..the thoughts..the simple things we’ve shared.. She maybe far away but her memories will remain in all of us!!